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.It wasn’t a huge deal, but it was taking up the majority of my in-box.And the more I thought about it, the more I realized that all I had to do was ask them to stop.Simple.Yet, like so many other not-yet-dealt-with issues, I’d feared the confrontation and not taken any action.I hit Reply All.From: JordanLandau@yahoo.comTo: wallygator317@hotmail.com, judypatootie521@hotmail.comSubject: re: I forgot!Dear Parents,Please do not cc me on your e-mail exchanges.I appreciate your wanting to include me in your correspondence.However, if it does not pertain to me or if it is not “to” me, I would rather not receive them.I realize that there is a lot we will have to discuss, but I’ve been meaning to ask you to stop ccing me for a long time, so I wanted to do that while it was fresh on my mind.Thank you very much.Send.* * * * *I was browsing the New-York Historical Society, the conservation society, and the municipal authority, trying to figure out who could best help me get the lighthouse up and running—if it was even a possibility.I’d only been searching for about seven minutes when I heard a ding in my in-box.From: wallygator317@hotmail.comTo: Jordan.Landau@yahoo.comSubject: re: re: I forgot!Dear Jordan,I understand completely and will stop ccing you unless it is relevant to you.Glad to have you back and look forward to the next phase of this family.Love,Wally (Dad)Seriously? I thought.That was all it took? I was dumbfounded.A simple, calm, concise communication.Problem solved.No assumed identities.No abandoned memory.Huh.After a series of dead ends and “you don’t need us, the people you want to contact are.” I finally garnered some useful information after being on hold for about seventeen hours.A woman named Brenda at the Long Island Power Authority caught me singing along to the hold music in a state of utter delirium, and she took a liking to me instantly.“Sounds like you were pretty into that song.I can put you back on hold,” she offered, but I declined.She giggled and admitted to doing the same thing when she was on hold.She told me that the Redding Harbor Lighthouse’s power had been shut off in 1988 and it hadn’t operated since.“Wait,” I said.“So the power could be restored?”“Yeah,” she answered.“If somebody approved turning it on again.”I did have a rich history of trying to negotiate with the utilities company.But, really, who among us has been successful in that endeavor? Certainly not I.With my credit history, my power had been shut off so often, at times the view from across the street would resemble that of a strobe light—off and on, off and on, with blinding repetition.But Brenda and I had a connection.We’d bonded over my rendition of “Because the Night (Belongs to Us),” so surely she’d help out a fellow on-hold crooner.I just wasn’t sure what the best way to go about asking was.“That is very interesting,” I said.“I guess,” she said in a singsong, and exhaled—waiting to see if I was going to say anything else.There was a lull in the conversation, and while I can appreciate those quiet unspoken moments as much as the next person, Brenda may not have.“Very, very interesting,” I repeated, trying to fill up the emptiness.“So, um.”“Jordan,” I said, finishing her sentence and trying to make things more personal.“Yes, okay, Jordan, is there anything else I can help you with?”“As a matter of fact there is,” I said, finally mustering up the confidence to ask.* * * * *If you didn’t factor in that I’d be out at the edge of the earth as I knew it, alone at a deserted lighthouse in an area with no cell service, and the very distinct possibility that Travis wouldn’t even come, there was nothing wrong with the idea.Of course, Cat and Todd disagreed.“I don’t like the idea of you all alone out there,” Todd said warily.“Alone isn’t the worst thing I could be,” I said.“It’s really romantic and all, but don’t you think it’s kind of extreme?” Cat asked gently.“It is extreme.Yes,” I said.“So we all agree on that,” Todd chimed in.“He needs to meet me,” I said.“He can’t meet you if he doesn’t know when and where he’s supposed to be,” Cat said.They weren’t getting it.“Not that kind of meet,” I explained.“Meet me.Meet this version of me.He’s known me when I was faking who I was, which is closer to who I am—but too contrarian and too caffeinated—and he’s known me when I didn’t know who I was, which is mildly embarrassing, but he hasn’t ever met the real me.”“Have any of us?” Todd said.“How many versions of you are there, by the way? Is this your final answer or is there going to be a new version in the coming weeks?”“Maybe,” I said.Todd threw his hands up in the air and Cat sighed dramatically.“But nothing crazy,” I reassured.“I just mean that I’ll be the best version of me I can be.I may change.but hopefully only for the better.”“Like a go-go dancer you?” Todd asked hopefully.“I’ll let that go,” I said.“I didn’t even really know who I was until now.And, yeah, I made mistakes, and it was pretty awful at times.but they say the most painful times bring on the most personal growth.”“My older brother used to beat the hell out of me all the time,” Todd said, “and I must admit, it did grow.tiresome.”“Point is,” I said, ignoring Todd, “I want the chance to show Travis who I am.To see if we have a chance.Without any lies or lawsuits or hospitals.And we may not.But the old Jordan wouldn’t have ever done something like this.She’d have accepted that she made too many mistakes and she deserved to suffer for it.I’m not her anymore.Can you guys back me up on this?”“Of course,” Cat said.“Go get him.”Todd was silent.He took a long deep breath and exhaled.Then he finally spoke.“Fine.Go for it.Of course, I just want you to be happy.But remember one thing.You sang ‘Close to You’ with Dirk in public and without any irony.and I will never let you live that down.”* * * * *The train ride out to Redding Harbor isn’t exactly short.It’s at pretty much the outermost tip of the island—as far as you can go, and that kind of alone time lets you run through only so many songs on your iPod before you have to confront what’s going on a little farther between the ears.There was a little boy sitting next to his mother—sneakers untied, scrawny legs dangling—his hands covering his eyes.They were playing peekaboo
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