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.The officer put Darien in one car and Terrence in the other.They tried to tell everybody to go home.Of course nobody was listening to them.I tried to get to the police car with Terrence in it, but they weren’t letting anyone close.By now another two police cars arrived and everybody started dispersing.But they were still talking about how Terrence beat Darien down.While the police were distracted with the dispersing of the crowd, I got to see Terrence.He was sitting in the backseat with his head down.I called to him, but he didn’t look up or answer.I called out louder.“Come on, let’s go, let’s go.Step back,” an officer said to me.I stepped away, but I knew he heard me calling him.A few minutes later the police car with Terrence in it drove away.He looked up.I just stood there not knowing what to do.Because of me, Terrence was headed to the police station.I looked around seeing people leaving, and then I saw Sierra standing there, too.The toe of her white sneaker was covered in blood.She didn’t say anything.She just looked at me for a second and then turned and walked away.I ran home.nineteenLooking 4 Plan B“I thought plan A was going to work.As a matter of fact I thought plan A was working pretty well.Then there was plan B.I just hope I don’t need to get a plan C and D.”—MySpace.comI slammed the door hard.The loud solid bang seemed to shake the entire house.I bolted, latched, secured and then fastened the three locks tight.It was like I was trying to lock everything out.Every part of my life that was wrong needed to be on the other side of that door.It needed to be as far away from me as possible.I walked into the living room and slumped down in the chair.The numbness I used to feel was gone, and the pain was coming back.I was starting to hurt again.The feeling of helplessness—the dull, corrosive anger—ate at me.I could feel it welling up inside.An explosion was coming.I needed to scream, to hit, to fight, but not to cry, no, not again, never again.I started remembering what Dr.Tubbs said, but he was wrong.“No, it’s not okay, it’s not okay, it’s not okay,” I started whispering without even realizing it.I chanted over and over again.“No, it’s not okay to be mad at her,” I said aloud.But what if everybody was right all along?I need to stop.But I can’t.I don’t know how.I’m too angry, I’m too mad, at Darien for what he tried to do and Cassie for setting me up like that.I’m mad at Sierra, at Ursula, at Li’l T, at Diamond and Jalisa and even at Terrence and I don’t even know why.I grabbed my atomizer and inhaled deep.I got up and went upstairs.My chest was heavy, and my breathing was labored.Climbing the stairs to the third floor was like climbing a mountain straight up.Plus the whole time I was going upstairs, I could hear the doorbell ringing and then knocking on the front door.I got to my room, lay on the bed and then I closed my eyes hoping it would stop.It didn’t.It just got louder and louder.I knew it was Li’l T.Who else could it be? It was just like him to pester me still.I crawled into a ball.I heard my cell vibrating and then I heard my name called.Somebody was yelling in the street.It sounded like Li’l T, but I don’t know.I put the pillow over my head to drown it out.My head was spinning, and I felt like I was drowning in darkness.I tried to hold on, but it was no use.I squeezed my eyes tight, held to the side of the pillow and let the darkness cover me.My medicine had done the trick.But I guess I took too much, ’cause when I do, and I’m already upset, I get dizzy and kind of pass out.It happened before, the night when my mom died.She slapped me, and I got mad then ran out the house.I don’t remember anything much after that, but I guess Terrence brought me back.I was having trouble breathing, so my mom gave me the medicine.I guess it was too much ’cause I woke up in the same halfway haze then that I was in now.But the good thing was that I was safe, calm and breathing better, even though things were still kind of foggy.I opened my eyes to see the time.My head was still spinning, so I closed them tight again.I remembered everything, Cassie, the drugs on the dresser, the gun and of course Darien and what he tried to do.I still can’t believe that I trusted his stupid ass.But even after everything, I was more upset with myself.It was so dumb of me to go into the house like that.I’d heard the lecture so many times from my mom about walking right into trouble.I can’t believe I just did that.Stupid, stupid, stupid, I seriously know better, but I did it anyway.But out of everything that happened, I especially remembered Terrence and the disappointed look in his eyes as the police car drove away.The thing was, I didn’t blame him one bit.I opened my eyes slowly and looked straight up at the ceiling.The first thing I thought about was my mom.She had been looking out for me.I know she was with me the whole time.She must have given me the idea to hit him with the trophies ’cause I have no idea where it came from.All of a sudden I reached out and it was in my hand.I miss her so much.I still can’t believe she’s gone sometimes.I get death.I know everybody’s gotta go; it’s inevitable.But that doesn’t make it fair.It’s been over two months.I guess I’ll never stop missing her or loving her.After a while I just lay there, staring up, remembering, running, breathing and the banging on the front door.The haze in my head was clearing, and I started thinking about what almost happened.I got scared all over again.If he wasn’t so high, if I hadn’t grabbed the trophies, if I hadn’t run fast enough…My cell phone vibrated.I ignored it and looked across the room at the clock.I’d been asleep for an hour.I got up and went downstairs.The house was quiet and outside was quiet.It wasn’t that late but I guess trick-or-treating was way over.I went to the front window and peeked through the curtain.Nobody was outside, and my grandmother’s car wasn’t in its usual space in front of the house.It wasn’t unusual
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