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.He looked like he was set for a monster fight."I'm not washing my car again."I expected Rachel to back down as soon as she realized he was spoiling for a fight, but if anything she looked more determined.It was hard to believe this was the same person I'd had to rescue from Cassie so recently.I stopped Rachel just before she could put the impressive lungful of air she'd just taken in, to whatever use she'd planned."It's ok.I'm better.The lane's dusty and exercise would do me good."She hesitated, obviously torn, but my fumbling fingers finally found the unfamiliar door release and I made the decision for her.I swung the door open and slipped out of the car before she could respond.I waved goodbye with a cheery casualness I thought did a pretty good job of hiding my desire to break into tears.It was amazing how I'd let the numbness slip away for nothing.Rachel wasn't any more my friend than she'd been a few minutes before.Instead she was probably freaked out.I'd have been so much better off if I'd just stayed oblivious to everything, and ignored her like I'd done everyone else today.The hot Utah sun seemed to be trying to knock me to my knees as I slowly made my way down our lane.For a moment I thought about what would happen if I fell and hurt myself.By the time mom realized I was missing, I'd be a perfectly preserved mummy, sucked completely dry by the harsh climate, exactly as ordered for a pyramid burial.I hadn't realized some part of me was hoping mom would be there waiting when I got home.I felt it shrink as I came around the corner and saw the empty cement pad.I walked through the door and dropped my things on the couch.I could feel myself sinking back into oblivion, but instead of welcoming it, I was suddenly terrified.I'd spent weeks numb to the entire world.I'd even missed dad's favorite season, the one that'd become mine as well.It'd be all too easy to slip into the same kind of numbness now as a refuge against everything.What would happen if I failed to surface? It'd been easier to lapse into catatonia this time than last.Would I reach a point where I couldn't come back? There'd been a time right after the accident where mom had thought I was already there.I was just numb enough still to think about such things without immediately collapsing.Even so, I felt a pang of dizziness as my mind warned me I'd pushed it too far today.I found myself in the kitchen, nearly finished making enchiladas with only vague ideas of why I'd started pulling ingredients out of the fridge.I wasn't hungry.I knew I should eat something, but that hardly merited putting together anything more complicated than a sandwich.What was I trying to accomplish?I slowly put the pan in the oven as I admitted to myself that even after more than two days, the odds were better than even that I'd be eating alone, that most of the food would go into the fridge untouched.My class work, completely neglected as it had been all day, really deserved my attention; but I didn't have the heart to pull it out.I knew I wouldn't find any kind of refuge there.Instead, I pulled out a pencil and a sheet of paper from my notebook, and started sketching.The process seemed to slowly be pulling me back out of the numbness.I wasn't actually any good as an artist.Mom had exposed me to enough art for me to realize that early on.I lacked some kind of creative spark necessary to achieve any kind of real beauty.Still, I occasionally enjoyed trying to recreate something I'd seen.This time I didn't try to guide my hand, I just let it create lines and curves at random, until something tugged at my subconscious, and a half-formed memory began to materialize on the page before me.I knew that the wavy vertical line off the side was destined to become a waterfall.The scene was starting to take shape, but for the first time in ages I still couldn't place it.A mossy boulder filled itself in with feathery detail, and then I realized the center of the piece was still blank.It was like my subconscious hadn't ever seen that part of the landscape.Only that didn't make sense.How could I not have seen part of whatever it was I was looking at? Unless it'd been blocked by something.But if so I would have drawn whatever it was that'd been in the foreground.I was even worse than normal when it came to drawing people or animals, but I had a good memory for everything else.I pushed the notepad away in frustration, and then started shaking as I finally recognized my drawing.It was the grotto from my dream, and the reason I hadn't filled in the center was that I'd never seen it.That was the spot where Alec had been standing.Chapter 13Morning came not a moment too soon after a night filled with plenty of tossing and turning.It seemed like every time I nodded off, I awoke a few minutes later, my mind reaching for something that wasn't there, only to snap back as it didn't find what it was looking for.Each time the backlash woke me up, I tried to figure out what was going on, but I didn't succeed until nearly morning.I'd been trying to find the vivid dreams again.I'd finally stopped thinking about them, finally stopped yearning for them every night, only to have my stupid subconscious somehow mix them up with real life.That was really the thing that was the most unnerving.I'd only ever unconsciously drawn real places.To draw a pretend place was surprisingly unsettling, but I almost couldn't blame whatever part of me had gotten confused.The dreams were so clear and sharp they almost seemed more real than the rest of my life.By the time I finally realized what was keeping me from getting real sleep it was too late to worry about trying to get anymore rest.I just stared out my window at the light the previous owners had mounted on a pole.It was just close enough to see an amazingly thick cloud of insects swirl around it, captivated by the artificial glow.When I walked downstairs I found mom's camping equipment piled in the living room.For all I'd tossed and turned, I must have gotten some sleep to have not heard her come in.I contemplated jotting down a note before just shrugging and skipping outside, happy for once to be shivering.It wouldn't last.Eventually the sun would clear the hills, and we'd be headed for eighty-plus degrees, but I could at least enjoy the next hour or so without worrying I was going to melt right out of my clothes.Walking down the lane, I tried to decide whether or not I wanted Brandon to show up today.After my mixed signals yesterday I figured there was a better than even chance he'd 'forget' to come get me.Strangely enough that didn't bother me as much as I thought it would.It was like walking down the lane somehow put things back in perspective for me.How could I really be all that put out about something I hadn't ever really believed was possible?I almost refused to believe my eyes when I came around the bend in our lane and saw a dark blue mustang parked on the side of the road.Brandon stood up from where he'd been leaning against the sports car and flashed me a blinding smile.He moved towards me with a casual grace that made little shivers run through me despite my earlier decision not to let his interest, or lack thereof affect me."I had a bet with myself that you weren't going to wait.Somehow the fact I just lost doesn't seem to matter now."It didn't seem possible he was talking to me, that anyone so gorgeous could mean something like that about me.I opened my mouth, maybe to laugh the comment off, or otherwise hedge my bets against the humiliation and inevitable mocking laughter
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