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.I turn my phone back on and Milo calls immediately, but I don’t answer and Culler says we can go straight to Labelle.It’s only three hours away.The early traffic wouldn’t be so bad.We could get there three hours on the nose.But I see how tired he is—his eyelids are drooping—and I suggest a motel.“Not for the night,” I add hastily, because even though we both knew this was coming, I’m sort of embarrassed about it now.“I mean—just for some of the morning.And you can sleep and recharge and I can take a shower … we can leave at like one and get there by four and then we can find the house…”“Okay,” Culler says.His voice is thick, exhausted.“That … yeah.”“You remember where the house is?”“It took a while for your dad to find it … I remember where it is.”“Good.”We check into a little motel just outside of Valleyview.It’s cheap but I guess you get what you pay for.I stand aside while Culler uses my money to pay for the room because I don’t really want to deal with picking double or single beds and it’s probably sad that whatever Culler picks, I’ll go along with.Also I want to see what he picks.“Excuse me, miss?” The desk clerk asks.Culler and I turn.I point to myself and she nods.She’s an elderly woman.“Can I have a word with you?”I make my way over to her, looking back at Culler, who shrugs.“Yes?” I ask politely.She leans forward like she’s going to tell me a secret.This close up, she’s really creepy-looking, which just makes this whole place creepy by association.I have visions of Psycho.Getting stabbed to death in the shower.“Are you okay?” she asks.I’m so confused about it.I have this really stupid moment where I think she knows my dad died.That suddenly, my grief is visible, radiating off me and telling the world I am a very, very sad girl.And then I realize she’s looking very pointedly at Culler, and in this light, with his unshaven face, the bags under his eyes, he looks older than he is.And I always look as young as I am.“Oh!” I force a smile.And a laugh.“Yeah, it’s fine.He’s just my brother…”“Oh,” the woman says skeptically.“I see.”“But thank you.” I try to sound gracious, like thanks for caring.She nods again and I go back to Culler and I think I’m going to die laughing, which is a nice change of pace.He mouths, what? And I shake my head.When we get outside, I tell him what happened and he laughs about it, but not quite as hard as I do.“Like, I think she thinks you’re dangerous,” I say.“Like you’re kidnapping me or something.I think that’s hilarious.”“Yeah,” he says, but he’s less amused.“What?” I ask.“Tired.” He opens up the door to our room.I try not to get overwhelmed by the motel-ness of it.It’s tidy and it’s neat but I have the feeling this is the type of place that can never be clean.There are two beds and I’m not sure how I feel about that and before I can decide how I feel about it, Culler’s saying, “I just wonder how much trouble I could get in for this.”“What do you mean?”But I know what he means.I think.He shakes his head.“Forget it,” he says.“It’d be worth it, anyway…”I’m going to remember he said that forever.He flops down on the nearest bed, feet dangling over the side, and he’s asleep within minutes.I brush my teeth and take a shower and change into some of the clothes I bought, but I’m awake.Totally awake.I watch Culler for a long time.His chest rising and falling.I’m the age of consent.I think.It’s not something I’ve thought about before.Does it matter if you choose to be in a car with someone? If they’re just driving? If Milo decides to tell Beth that I’m not thinking straight since my dad died, and I can’t make decisions, I wonder if she’ll jump on that and have the police here in a second.And then all anyone will remember was that I “ran away” with a twenty-year-old student of my father’s.My phone rings.I glance at Culler.He doesn’t stir.I take the phone into the bathroom, closing the door behind me, and I answer it, but I don’t say anything.Milo knows I’m there.All these minutes pass.“Hi,” I finally say.“Hi,” he says.“We found another one,” I say.“We’re in Valleyview, but we’ll be leaving soon.”“Beth told me you told her you weren’t coming back.”I roll my eyes.“I just said that…”“But I told her you would and she believes me.”“Okay.”“You are, aren’t you?”I don’t say anything.That is unbelievably cruel of me to do, I know.But he knows I’m coming back and I don’t want to say it.I just don’t.Because I’ve started to like pretending I’m not.“I’m sorry we fought,” I whisper.“Milo, you’re my best friend…”Neither of us says anything for a while.I pick at my nails and hear cars rushing down the highway through the tiny square window in the bathroom.“I thought you were dead,” he says.“What?”“When I found you.” He pauses.“You were so still … I thought … I don’t know.I thought you were both dead…”I grip the phone tight, but I keep my mouth shut.“If you come back,” he says, “I’ll tell you the rest.”“Milo, I’m coming back.”“I know.But I wish you wanted to, though.”I’m crying.I don’t know when that happened.I brush the tears away and take a deep breath, and then I realize more tears are coming and I can’t talk to him anymore.“I have to go,” I say, and I hang up.I run the messages over in my head, like what we’ve found so far makes it totally possible to anticipate what we’re about to find next.FIND MEALL OF THESE THINGS GONE COLD ANDNOW I’M HERE I LOOK UP I SEECuller and I don’t talk much on the way to Labelle.Maybe there’s no talking between me and Culler because I’m thinking of Milo.I can’t stop thinking of Milo and our conversation and coming to the same conclusion over and over again: maybe I was the constant that faltered.I don’t know.It scares me if that’s true.I need to stop thinking
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