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.was perfect.And that kiss.Nice touch,” he says as the elevator doors start to close.“No problem,” I say.And just as the doors shut I add, “By the way, I have mono.”“It’s really human of you to listen to all my bullshit.”—Samantha Baker, Sixteen Candles“ You aren’t dying, you just can’t think of anything better to do.”—Ferris Bueller, Ferris Bueller’s Day OffBradyI know she’s kidding.She better be kidding.She is kidding.I know it.I feel a tickle in my throat.I swear to God, I do.I hate her.I’ve called just about every dairy company and none of them want to hear my idea.This morning I called Knudsen.Who transferred me to Santee Dairy.I told them I needed to speak to someone about a new product idea.They said the person I need to get in touch with is a Lydia somebody.So I called this Lydia.She directed me to their Web site, and suggested that I click on the link to their customer comments section and leave my comment there.I don’t have a fucking comment.I have a million-dollar idea.Don’t they get this? I explain to Lydia I don’t want to just submit my idea at random.What I am offering is a business proposition, and I’d want to be involved.She stutters a bit and puts me on hold.When she comes back she informs me that she doesn’t think she can accommodate me with what I am looking for.“Why not?” I ask.“Because we don’t do partnerships,” she answers.“This is a really good idea, Lydia,” I say, thinking that using her name will somehow help matters.I think I can feel her caving a little bit.But not enough.“I’m sorry.I really don’t think I can help you.”“Fine,” I say.I’m tempted to add, “But don’t come crying to me when this thing goes double-platinum.” But I don’t.I need a cup of coffee.Lucky for me there’s a Starbucks on my corner.In fact, there’s a Starbucks on just about every corner in Manhattan.I know what you’re thinking, but I like my coffee to be consistent, and Starbucks is nothing if not consistent.Plus, they filter their water.I won’t make coffee from my tap at home.I know they say New York water is the best water, but who really knows? Maybe the water is clean, but the pipes are nasty.There are all kinds of good minerals, bad minerals, too many minerals, chemicals in some cases, contaminants, carcinogens, and well.cancer-flavored coffee tends to taste bad.And this just in.it was recently on the news that Orthodox Jews can’t drink water from the tap because there are shellfish in the water, which makes it not kosher.For those who don’t know, kosher is only kosher because it passes a rigorous inspection test.Since my body is made up of like 80 percent water, I’m gonna make sure it’s the purest form of water known to mankind.If that means kosher water fits the bill.that’s what I’m going for.And I’m not even Jewish.But if something that goes into my body as frequently as water does can’t even pass a kosher test.I ain’t drinkin’ it.So I’m standing in line deciding.That seems to be a big part of the experience.Decisions: Cappuccino or Frappuccino? Tall or Grande? Or Venti? And then there’s the fixins: Whole milk or skim? Chocolate or vanilla? Nutmeg or cinnamon? Then it hits me.This place is the answer.I need to get in touch with Starbucks.This would be a great market for Cinnamilk.I don’t know why I didn’t think of it before.I even read the book Pour Your Heart into It: How Starbucks Built a Company One Cup at a Time by Howard Schultz.He’s the guy who founded Starbucks.He needs to hear from me.And he will.I’m calling him as soon as I get home.Not as easy as I thought.All I can get is the customer service line.Can you believe that the phone number is 1-800-23LATTE? How precious.I tell the woman I need the headquarters and she tells me that I’ve reached the headquarters.“Are you in Seattle?” I ask.“Yes, I am.”“Well, I need to speak to Mr.Schultz.”“Regarding?”“Regarding a business idea.”“Do you have a proposal written up?”“Yes,” I lie.“Then I can give you the address that you should mail it to, and someone will get back to you if they are interested.” This is, basically, the same as the questions/comments link on a Web site.But I’ll get the address at least.“Fine,” I say.“What’s the address?”“P.O.Box—”“Wait—it’s a P.O.box? That’s not an address.That’s not where Howard Schultz is.”“That’s where all proposals go,” she says
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